Late Night Takes: Congressional Haircutting or Not

Late Night Jokes

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

     The U.S. Senate is now fighting to keep open the Senate barber shop. It loses $350,000 a year. Do you know what that makes it?  (That makes it) the most successful government program ever. It’s losing only $350,000 a year.

  

This joke is courtesy of NewsMax.com which periodically sends out an email compilation of late night jokes, few of which are worth repeating . . . this was the exception.

 

Late Night Takes: Chicago, Hotbed of Political Corruption

Late Night Jokes


Blago & Bam

Conan

It's great to be back in Chicago. Illinois Rep. Derek Smith has been accused of accepting a $7,000 bribe. If he's found guilty, he could serve up to four years as the state's governor.

The last time I did a late-night show in Chicago, my guest was an up-and-coming senator called Barack Obama. And now just six short years later, he's gone on to become a socialist Muslim from Kenya.

These jokes are courtesy of NewsMax.com which periodically sends out an email compilation of late night jokes, few of which are worth repeating . . . these were the exceptions.

Late Night Takes on Debating and Campaigning for President

Late Night Jokes

The double header weekend debates in New Hampshire and current campaigns have done one thing. They have given the late night talk show hosts some good material.

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

You know the difference between Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Tim Tebow? When God tells Tim Tebow to run, he wins.

Mitt Romney says he understands the middle class, and that he knows it's not easy keeping a roof over your family's heads — as well as vacation roofs in San Diego, New Hampshire, and Park City, Utah.

In Saturday night's Republican debate, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Why Chinese? If you want to reach the American people, you’ve got to speak Spanish.

Conan

Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack Obama. After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement.

Mitt Romney is saying his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context. Yeah, what he actually said was he likes to set poor people on fire.

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

Mitt Romney had a huge lead going into the primary. It would’ve taken a miraculous, divinely-inspired comeback for anyone to defeat him. So let me be the first to say congratulations, President Tim Tebow.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Newt Gingrich thinks he's the man for the job. He got an important endorsement from Sarah Palin's husband, Todd. He has the all-important “snowmobilers who wear sunglasses indoors” demographic.

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

While campaigning yesterday, Jon Huntsman said he was “ready to rock and roll.” Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney said he was ready to “easy listen.”

These jokes are courtesy of NewsMax.com which periodically sends out an email compilation of late night jokes, few of which are worth repeating . . . these were the exceptions.

Late Night Takes: The Debt, the Dull, and the Dumb

Late Night Jokes

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

2012 is supposed to be the year the world ends. Have you seen the national debt? If the world doesn't end, we are so screwed.

It turns out the suspect in the arson fires is a German man who is upset about his mother's immigration status. Apparently his mom didn't know you could just walk over from Mexico.

Conan

Political analysts are saying that Mitt Romney is having trouble generating enthusiasm among Iowa voters. Now, ladies and gentlemen, you know you have a problem when people in Iowa find you dull.

Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

The U.S. government is selling $30 billion worth of fighter jets to Saudi Arabia. Yeah, it’s part of a new initiative called, “Operation Regret This In Five Years.”

These jokes are courtesy of NewsMax.com which periodically sends out an email compilation of late night jokes, few of which are worth repeating . . . these were the exceptions.

Jay Leno: They Just Got To Occupy Something

Late Night Jokes

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

I was in the supermarket today, and I saw some Occupy Wall Street protesters in the dairy department. They were protesting the 1 percent milk.

This joke is courtesy of NewsMax.com which periodically sends out an email compilation of late night jokes, few of which are worth repeating . . . these were the exceptions.

Late Night Takes Halloween and Something Scary

Late Night Jokes

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

According to USA Today, 74 percent of Americans plan to hand out candy this Halloween. Although President Obama thinks it should be just the top 1 percent.

While testifying at the Conrad Murray trial, Michael Jackson's personal nurse complained of being faint on the stand, and the court had to be adjourned. How scary is that? Getting sick in that courtroom and the only doctor in the house is Conrad Murray.

This joke is courtesy of NewsMax.com which periodically sends out an email compilation of late night jokes, few of which are worth repeating . . . these were the exceptions.

Late Night Takes - The Occupation of Wall Street

Late Night Jokes

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

"It’s the 24th day of the Occupy Wall Street protests, also known as the largest homeless slumber party in the world."

This joke is courtesy of NewsMax.com which periodically sends out an email compilation of late night jokes, few of which are worth repeating . . . this is the exception.

Late Night Takes on Jobs

Late Night Jokes

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

·       The Football game will be on Thursday night, right after the season finale of President Obama.

·        Obama will give a speech on job growth. I don’t think it will be a big speech.

   

·         According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news: Gas is so expensive that we’ll never get there.

·         Mitt Romney revealed a 59-point job plan at a big auto dealership. That shows you how smart Romney is. He knows that a politician only looks honest when he’s standing next to a car salesman.

These jokes are courtesy of NewsMax.com which periodically sends out an email compilation of late night jokes, few of which are worth repeating . . . these are the exceptions.

Late Night Takes Hurricane Irene

Late Night Jokes

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

** Hurricane Irene wasn’t that bad. In fact, it was downgraded to a tropical storm. Even our hurricanes are getting downgraded.

** Over 6 million people were evacuated from New Jersey ahead of the hurricane. And now, three of them have gone back.

** They had so much rain in New York that a lot of the cabbies had their first shower in years.

These jokes are courtesy of NewsMax.com which periodically sends out an email compilation of late night jokes, few of which are worth repeating . . . these are the exceptions.

Late Night Takes - Vacation in North Korea

Late Night Jokes

Conan

"North Korea has shut down all of its universities for 10 months so students can work in factories. Or, as they call it in North Korea, “spring break.”"

This joke is courtesy of NewsMax.com which periodically sends out an email compilation of late night jokes, few of which are worth repeating . . . this is the exception.

Comment:  I happened to watch a movie, The Eleventh Hour, recently, which was about a Navy Seal who was captured on a mission in North Korea. The film showed the brutality of the North Koreans. There is a definite reason that North Korea is one of the dishonorable members of the Axis of Evil ...

Late Night Takes – Politicians are a joke

Late Night Jokes

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

Whitey Bulger’s brother was a politician. So one brother was operating in a world with no morals, dealing with the lowest of the low, and the other one was a mobster.

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner played golf this weekend. Obama’s handicap is Joe Biden.

The team of Obama and Boehner beat the team of Vice President Joe Biden and Ohio Gov. John Kasich. When they tallied up the score, they were 14 trillion over par.

These jokes are courtesy of NewsMax.com which periodically sends out an email compilation of late night jokes, few of which are worth repeating . . . these are the exceptions.

Late Night Takes – Returning to the Middle Ages?

Late Night Jokes

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

·     I wouldn’t want to live in the Middle Ages. No dentistry, no plumbing, no Larry King . . . actually, I think there was Larry King.

·     There was the black plague, which was a less ferocious version of what we now call today “Bieber fever.”

·     Television was better in the Middle Ages because there wasn’t any.

These jokes are courtesy of NewsMax.com which periodically sends out an email compilation of late night jokes, few of which are worth repeating . . . these are the exceptions.

Late Night Election After-Laughs

Late Night Humor

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

• All year long, the Democrats were telling people to “get out and vote.” Then people told the Democrats, “We voted, now get out!”

• I loved how the different news networks covered the elections. On MSNBC, it was called "Election Night 2010: What Went Wrong?" At Fox News, it was "Election Night 2010: Party!"

• Tuesday was bad for President Obama. Voters threw away the hope and just went for the change;

• lost 66 Democrats and not one of them was Joe Biden.

Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

· Former President George W. Bush reveals in his book that he considered dropping Dick Cheney to prove he was in charge. But then Cheney nixed the idea.

· The unemployment rate has gone up by about 65 Democrats.

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

· Finally, the 2010 elections are over and we can get started on the campaign for 2012.

· President Obama is getting ready to leave Washington. Not leaving for good he’ll do that in a couple years.

· India is famous for its Darjeeling tea, but President Obama won’t be interested in tea parties of any kind.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

· President Obama will be traveling to India. After Tuesday’s election, he decided to move there.

These jokes are courtesy of NewsMax.com (Hat Tip!), which periodically sends out an email compilation of late night jokes, few of which are worth repeating … these were the exceptions in the last two batches.

Late Night Takes – Waking up from the Hope & Change Nightmare

Late Night Humor

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

· President (Soetoro alias) Obama says the Democrats are waking up. Which is great when you’re having a nightmare.

This joke is courtesy of NewsMax.com (Hat Tip!), which periodically sends out an email compilation of late night jokes, few of which are worth repeating … this was an the exception in the latest batch.

Late Night Takes – Cap Mel’s Rap!

Late Night Humor

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I do not condone the latest ranting and raving of the excellent actor and director, Mel Gibson, who appears to be in serious need of help. Has success spoiled him?

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The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
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● On the latest Mel Gibson tape, he insults women and uses ethnic slurs and obscenities. I knew Mel was an actor and a director, but apparently he’s also a rapper.
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The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

● BP is putting a new cap on the leaking oil well. It could capture up to 90 percent of the disgusting filth that’s spewing from there. And if it works, they’re going to try the same thing on Mel Gibson.

These jokes are courtesy of NewsMax.com (Hat Tip!), which periodically sends out an email compilation of late night jokes, few of which are worth repeating … these two were the exceptions in the latest batch.

Late Night Takes – Foreign Relations

Late Night Humor

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

● President (Soetoro a/k/a) Obama met with the Russian president at the White House and afterwards, took him out for a burger . . . The Russian president wanted to pick up the check, but (Soetoro alias) Obama said, “Don’t worry about it, just charge it to our grandchildren.”

● Mexico has filed a brief against Arizona’s new immigration law. It’s a precedent because it’s the first immigration law Mexico has paid any attention to.
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Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

● It’s Take Your Dog to Work Day. Or as they call it in China, “Bring Your Own Lunch Day.”

These jokes are courtesy of NewsMax.com (Hat Tip!), which periodically sends out an email compilation of late night jokes, few of which are worth repeating … these two were the exception in the latest batch.

Late Night Takes – Watergate 36 years later

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Late Night Humor
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The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

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● It was the 36th anniversary of the Watergate scandal, when the Republicans broke into the Democratic headquarters looking for their long-term plans and strategies. It also marks the last time anyone thought the Democrats had a plan worth stealing.

This joke is courtesy of NewsMax.com (Hat Tip!), which periodically sends out an email compilation of late night jokes, few of which are worth repeating … this was an the exception in the latest batch.

Late Night Takes – The oil shtick

Cartoon by Mike Lester as found at Townhall.com 6/8/10

Late Night Humor

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

● Using electron microscopes, scientists have discovered the slowest-moving thing on Earth. It’s the White House responding to the oil spill.

● BP is saying that the campaign to clean up the oil could last until fall. You know why they call it a campaign? Because it’s like an election: it’s dirty, it’s slimy, and it never seems to end.

These jokes are courtesy of NewsMax.com (Hat Tip!), which periodically sends out an email compilation of late night jokes, few of which are worth repeating … these two were the exception in the latest batch.

Late Night Takes – Lies & Lobbyists

Late Night Humor

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
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● A very embarrassing moment for Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal, who was running for the Senate. He’s the guy who lied about his war record (a la John Kerry). He was overheard telling his wife, “After the campaign, let’s take a vacation and go somewhere I’ve never been.” She said, “How about Vietnam?”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

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● They put a cap on ATM transaction fees, though a lot of the senators didn’t want to discuss it because they’ve never used an ATM. The Senate has mobile cash machines they’re called “lobbyists.”

These jokes are courtesy of NewsMax.com (Hat Tip!), which periodically sends out an email compilation of late night jokes, few of which are worth repeating … these two were the exception in the latest batch.

Late Night Takes – Oil & Salsa

Late Night Jokes

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

● Nancy Pelosi told Catholic leaders they need to support the Democratic version of immigration reform, and to preach it from the pulpit. She would have said more but she had to leave to attend a rally for the separation of church and state.

● President (Barry Soetoro aka Barack) Obama said he’s angry and frustrated with the oil spill in the Gulf and the oil companies behind it. He said he’s tired of all the finger-pointing then he blamed the Bush administration for everything.

These jokes are courtesy of NewsMax.com (Hat Tip!), which periodically sends out an email compilation of late night jokes, few of which are worth repeating … these two were the exception in the latest batch.